i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
How's work?
Spinning.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
