When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
