My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
