dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
