I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
