just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
not ubering you a puppy
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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