I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
