we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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