i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
