If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Im part way to drunk.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
