Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
