You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
