i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
