Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
