He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
