You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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