I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
