I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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