I don't usually arrange sex via text message
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
