he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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