We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
