what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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