Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
