guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You ruined the universe
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
