I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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