I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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