I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
