nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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