This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
