if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
