But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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