he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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