I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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