after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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