i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
