Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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