Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
