She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
