Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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