sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
