Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
