He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
