haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
