I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
