Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
