The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize