I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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