Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
