I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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