You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
