peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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