Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Randomize
