Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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