If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
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