ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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