i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
