I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
