i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
