Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
