Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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