Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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