i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize