If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
